I’ve never felt so alone

Day One: February 25, 2013

My whole life I craved to escape the walls of trees that I believed to encapsulate my experiences as a young girl, and ventured to the city for college. I replaced the walls of trees and prancing critters with trees of concrete and critters from every walks of life.

I was raised in a very sheltered environment where everyone’s mom and dad stayed together, Santa Clause was real, and every Prince in the Disney movies were just a ‘we met at the bookstore’ away. With a fairytale outlook like this, I felt raped by the reality of the world when I came to the city. Not that I wasn’t aware of the truth to many pessimistic thoughts, I became a cynical Queen and found myself depressed. 

It’s been five years since then. I feel like I have come full circle since my cynic-ality all began, as college is over six months behind me (which marks my failure to society since I haven’t found a ‘real’ job yet) and as my departure from this city mounts, I crave those walls of bark and carpets of leaves. 

I sometimes pause my thoughts in the middle of my blistery walk to the jail I get paid a minimum wage at, and picture peace. The peace I find is within the thoughts of laying in the grass; the breeze pushing my hair across my face while my nose is buried in a book, or possibly finding creatures in the clouds. If i try to do that in my measly excuse for a front or back yard, instead of blades of grass folding at my body weight, shards of glass will fold into me with a pillow of cigarette butts and bottle caps will support my head. Instead of chirps of birds and leaves rustling against one another, horns will compete with one another and red, white, and blue lights scream their alerts and zoom down roads.

Do you see what I mean?